The 5 Worst Superhero Movies

I published, last post, a list of what I considered the top five superhero movies based on a DC or Marvel comic. Today, I present a list of the five worst movies in that same category.

You may wonder why I would publish that, rather than my usual movie review. You may even wonder why I decided to only consider DC and Marvel movies. If so, you didn’t read my last post. It explains everything.

I decided to add one more circumstance to this list. Some movies prove too ridiculous for honest consideration. It would feel unfair to list Nick Fury with David Hasselhoff, for example.

Countless terrible and forgotten movies from decades ago exist of The Hulk, Captain America, and Spiderman. Stuff that requires you to look very hard to discover it.

5) Man of Steel

Disclaimer: I never liked Superman. A perfect, flawless, indestructible character bores me to tears. So, yeah, I hold a bit of a bias on this one.

The action entertained me. The fight scenes felt fun. I liked that bit of business with the “Days without an accident” sign. However, too much worked against this overly formulaic movie.

What drove me craziest: how close and how often this movie nearly touched on a real issue or conflict of interest.

The movie almost had something to say about closed-borders policies.

The movie almost followed a man-versus-self fight to decide to protect rather than dominate.

Throughout this story, great ideas peeked at us from just below the surface before they vanished back into the deep.

. . . I must admit, Hulk (2003) nearly defeated Man of Steel for this slot.

4) Ghost Rider

Dear God, what happened to you, Nicholas Cage?

Satan offers a man a deal, and the deal turns sour for one of them. Guess which.

Oh, and the deal gives Nicholas Cage superpowers, because you want to screw someone over with a bad deal and afterwards arm them against you.

This movie goes nowhere. It marks time from start to finish. The characters feel two-dimensional. Their dialogue hurts to hear. The entire disaster drips laziness.

3) Fantastic Four (either one)

Five scientists go into outer space and get turned into superheroes or super villains (for some reason). They dance around, do nothing of consequence, eventually fight, credits roll, I try to choke myself with a folded Frisbee.

Not a single scene makes sense.

In one such scene, the character who turns invisible does so for the purpose of pushing her way through a crowd, something she could’ve accomplished without turning invisible.

In the second movie, a giant space fart (seriously) goes around eating planets. So he devours this one planet and everyone on it, except one guy. Then, the giant space fart grants this one guy (the Silver Surfer) enough power to destroy the giant space fart.

Why would he do that? Of course the Silver Surfer will turn his powers against the fart who ate his house and kids (look what happened to Datan when he gave Nicholas Cage powers).

Instead, the Silver Surfer does the giant space fart’s bidding. He helps the fart eat other planets by . . . um . . . flying around them on a magic surfboard (for some reason).

Why. Won’t. This. Frisbee. Fit. Down. My. Throat?

2) Green Lantern

The words “bat shit” get thrown around a lot, but . . .

Our protagonist discovers a crashed alien, who says, “Here. Have a magic ring. You’re a superhero, now. Good luck with that.” Truly.

The transitions, or lack thereof, prove the worst feature of this movie.

In one scene, a flock of superheroes attack a (I swear to God, I do not fabricate these next three words) giant space fart. Three seconds later, one of the aliens tells his superiors, “Yeah. Everyone died but me. Can I have Monday off? I have a thing.”

Because who goes to a movie to see action. We want an actor who regrets his involvement to tell us it happened. Much better.

1)   The Amazing Spiderman 2

I want so badly to cool down and try to act a bit more constructive here . . . but I just can’t.

This movie insulted everyone who went to see it. This movie screamed, “We paid for the word ‘Spiderman,’ and that means you fork over your money. We don’t have to try.”

The movie juggles a bunch of half-ideas. I suspect that a boardroom full of writers argued over whose idea ought to make in onto the script, and someone finally said, “Screw it. We’ll do all of them whether they cohabitate organically or not.”

In one storyline, Peter Parker’s blood might save his friend, Harry’s life (for some reason). Peter doesn’t want to give Harry the life-saving blood, because he’s afraid Harry might have a “bad reaction.” Again, Harry dies of he doesn’t get the blood.

In another storyline, Peter breaks up and gets back together again with his girlfriend in a ceaseless loop.

The producers should've titled this movie, “Peter Parker Wastes Everyone’s Time.”

In only gets worse. In another storyline, Peter searches to discover what really happened to his father, but he doesn’t do anything productive about it until a “clue” almost literally falls into his lap. He follows the clue to discover . . . nothing he didn’t already know.

In yet another storyline, Peter’s aunt becomes a nurse, but she doesn’t want Peter to find out (for some reason). Ha-ha. Both Peter and his aunt keep a secret identity from each other. Isn’t this movie fun? Please buy an action figure.

In another storyline, Jamie Foxx gets electrocuted by eels and gains the ability to shoot lightning from his hands (for some reason). He then decides he wants to destroy Spiderman (who doesn’t even know the guy) because he forgot Foxx's birthday (I swear I didn’t invent a word of this).

But Spiderman defeats Foxx, and the police arrest Foxx—who ends up in Harry’s basement (for some reason).

I don’t even think the writers compared notes. There’s a scene where Peter’s (ex?)girlfriend finds out that Harry (her boss—small world) has Foxx imprisoned in his basement. Harry sends his security guards after her . . . and it never comes up again. Everyone just forgets about it.

There you have it. The five worst superhero movies from Marvel or DC.

Oh? Did you expect another movie to make this list?

Yes, Batman and Robin provided its audience with an unwanted, confused, and overly colorful kaleidoscope of ass-hattery. However, I’ll defend it.

I loved the old 70’s Batman TV show—because it provided its audience with total nonsense. I choose to view it as a throwback to Adam West’s Batman (and only Schwarzenegger seemed aware of the joke).