Did you ever date
someone who looked physically attractive only to quickly find her or him
predictable, lazy, and without anything to say? If so, then you already
experienced the movie Seventh Son.
The irony? I
didn’t want to see or review Jupiter
Ascending because I felt it likely featured a barely active protagonist who
must defeat an uninteresting, bad-for-the-sake-of-bad villain and will only do
so only because it serves as her “destiny.”
With a side order
of a weak love story because the writers felt one ought to exist.
I decided, at
complete random, to see Seventh Son,
instead, which featured all that stuff I just said.
An evil witch
wants to destroy or enslave humanity for whatever reason. Destiny, I think.
Our protagonist
must stop her because . . . destiny.
The weak excuse of
destiny even fuels the love “story.” Seriously. After our protagonist knows
that his love interest exists for a grand total of ninety seconds, her hand
glows blue, and that means that they share a destiny to fall in love.
So they
immediately fall helplessly in love. Because her hand turned blue.
Look, love proves
the most complicated stuff on our planet. It takes incredible discipline and
talent to squeeze a believable love story into a movie. Hell, Twilight spent several movies on the
subject and failed miserably.
On the other hand,
Up created a believable love story in
fewer than two minutes (discipline and talent).
I don’t mind a
movie that takes destiny, flips it on its head, and says “Destiny’s stupid.
Walk your own path.” Even the Star Wars
prequels managed to get that right.
The acting in Seventh Son didn’t strike me as bad so
much as rushed.
I felt as if the
studio recently finished a medieval-ish movie, realized that they didn’t need
to return the props for another sixty days, and decided to make another movie
really, really fast.
The events
applicable to the plot only amount to a small percentage of the movie, which
furthers my aforementioned suspicions. The rest of the movie takes place either
in the woods or in an empty room.
“We shot all the
necessary scenes, but we need another hour’s worth to reach movie-length. We
already returned everything to the props department. What do we do?”
“We’ll film a
bunch of filler scenes in the woods and an empty room, then fill them with CG
monsters.”
I hate to serve as
that person who compares two stories, but did you enjoy Hansel and
Gretel Witch Hunters? If so, you’ll probably enjoy Seventh Son. If not, stay away from it.
Seventh Son offers a ninety-minute,
painfully predictable, air-filled distraction from life, and people need that
on occasion.
If you find
yourself in the mood for something Simple Jack-simple, Seventh Son ought to hold you.
Thanks for reading.
Daughters of Darkwana received a sweet, succinct
review, which you can read here, http://www.thebookeaters.co.uk/daughters-of-darkwana-by-martin-wolt-jr/
Also,
the third book in my series, Diaries of
Darkwana, will hit Kindle just as soon as I find out what happened to my
cover artist.
I
publish my blogs as follows:
Tuesdays:
A look at the politics of the entertainment world at EntertainmentMicroscope.blogspot.com.
Wednesdays:
An inside look at my novels (such as Daughters of Darkwana, which you can now find on Kindle) at Darkwana.blogspot.com
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