Top 5 Movie Twists

I will, in the next few days, watch and review The Judge.

I recently added a review of Saint Vincent to this blog, and now, I have a Top 5 list to share with you because you’re so wonderful and smell so very, very nice.

I present for this list, the Top 5 best twists in movies.

5)   Frozen:

“Only an act of true love can remove the princess’s curse and save her life.” Dead God, how many times have we heard this one? Of course the princess’s Prince Charming will kiss and, thus, cure her. It’s not as if a female character could save herself. Frozen threw us a curveball here, though, a great one. The princess performed the “act of true love” by risking her own life to protect her sister. I approve.

4) Primal Fear:

I won’t spoil this one. I know too many people who haven’t yet seen it. Fear offers a story in which a lawyer (Richard Gere) defends a young man who murders a priest. The lawyer believes that his client’s alternate personality (created by sexual abuse via the aforementioned priest) committed the murder. However, a nice twist awaits this movie’s audience.

3) The Sixth Sense:

If you don’t already know the twist to this movie, you reside under a rock. Somehow, the same director who brought us The Happening and Airbender managed to make The Sixth Sense. M Night Shyamalan got it right the first time. Not sure what happened to him afterwards.

2) Terminator 2: Judgment Day:

Schwarzenegger’s the good guy? If the previews ever mentioned that, I don’t recall it. I do recall when I saw this movie. I recall that I expected Schwarzenegger to play the same role as before, the killer robot without remorse, on the relentless hunt for his prey. I remember the scene in the back halls of the shopping mall, where young John Conner ran for his life. We, the audience, watched Schwarzenegger march after him, firearm in hand. John's terrified face. The guy disguised as a police officer turns the corner, but he won’t make it in time to save John. The kid's screwed. Then, Schwarzenegger says, “Get down.” John ducks. Schwarzenegger fires, blows a hole (that immediately heals) in the guy dressed as a cop—the real bad guy! An amazing fight scene and car chase follow. The audience sat, its collective mind blown.

1)   The Empire Strikes Back:

“Luke, I am your father.” Nuff said.

I saw this movie in theaters when I stood very young. I remember it well, despite the years (and head injuries) that followed. I never before saw a movie end that way. The bad guys left with Han Solo’s frozen body. Luke lost a hand, and he discovered, as we, the audience did, the impossible. Darth Vader served as Luke’s father? And then the movie just ends? I don’t think I blinked once the entire car ride home.

Saint Vincent

Fatherless boy befriends grumpy, lonely, old man, and an “unexpected” friendship results. Okay. We’ve seen this one before, but reasons exist why we so frequently come across this storyline.

This sort of plot has worked beautifully in the past—and it blew up a few times in our faces, as well.

Such a story usually requires a gimmick of sorts (a house that floats via a million balloons, or the old man serves as a mentor to teach the kid how to write or play baseball, or act the old guy's Clint Eastwood).

Saint Vincent (actually spelled St. Vincent and mistakable for another movie of the same name, in which a hit-man goes undercover as a priest) relies less on gimmicks (not to suggest that gimmicks always prove a bad notion) and more on excellent characters expressed through unique actions.

Bill Murray presents a character named Vincent, who tries to make something of his life but never seems to possess direction. He gambles and loses. He waters his lawn, but not a single blade of grass ever grows.

Vincent tries to cheat his way to success, almost as if he doesn’t trust himself enough to get there through honest means.

“Honesty” and “Success” ripple in strange, out-of-balanced ways that feel . . . regrettably realistic.

Vincent’s outlook on honesty comes across as both warped and enlightened. He considers prostitution “one of the more honest professions.”

One such prostitute uses a “trick” to get a snack machine to drop two candy bars for the price of one (it serves as no surprise that the write’s chose Paydays for those candy bars).

Bill Murray, Melissa McCarthy, and Naomi Watts provide wonderful acting. McCarthy’s best scene, hands down, takes place in her son’s principal’s office. She might earn Best Supporting Actress for that scene.

Miscommunication serves as a constant theme throughout the movie, which starts with a joke about . . . well, miscommunication. The movie eventually embodies this theme with a stroke that shatters Vincent’s ability to speak. However, once Vincent drops his mask of sarcasm, even the stroke can’t prevent his words.

I could, if pressed to find a fault in this movie, complain that many issues remain unresolved by the film’s conclusion, but to voice such a complaint would amount my own evasion of the film's finer premise.

The movie reflects that life’s problems don’t always work themselves out by the end of the third act. Several characters say, “It is what it is,” which tells the audience that they shouldn’t hope for a clean break before the credits.

Saint Vincent speaks of left turns, let downs, bad luck, and the less-than-perfect person we become once we surface from the meat mincer.

I love an unexpected treat such as this one. It deserves and possesses my recommendation.

(You can enjoy my novels, such as "Daughters of Darkwana," on Kindle and my short fiction at martinwolt.blogspot.com. Thanks for reading!)

Fury

Let me begin with thanks and apologies to the many people who continued to check in with this and my short story blog (martinwolt.blogspot.com) all month long for very infrequent rewards.

I, a short while ago, accepted a freelance writing gig that took me into the Colorado mountains, where internet proves scarce and movie theaters nonexistent.

My movie review blog suffered a consequential lack of movie reviews. However, I recently bounced from Colorado to Florida (to check in with family and friends and complete another job) so I can again see movies and write about them.

I recently saw the movie Fury, which provides its audience with a boy-becomes-“man” story via placement within a platoon of World War II tanks. Our protagonist spent the war as a typist. He, at the start of our film, never killed anyone and presumably never saw anyone die.

The war nears conclusion at Fury’s start. Our protagonist nearly coasted to its completion without a scratch. His new, tank-bound teammates begrudge him this. They also fear that his inexperience will result in their own deaths.

So, yeah, Fury also serves as a fish-out-of-water and a prove-yourself-within-a-new-group/setting story. Less seasoned writers might've taken a more formulaic approach at this point. However, Fury remains unpredictable, as any war movie should. War equals chaos.

Brad Pitt plays the role of our protagonist’s mentor. He also serves as the embodiment of all the spiritual harm that war causes. Our protagonist serves as the embodiment of innocence. After versus Before.

To establish these roles early, the movie offers a scene in which Pitt’s character forces a revolver into the protagonist’s hand and further forces him to pull the trigger and kill a German man on his knees while he begs for his life.

We meet three other characters inside Pitt's tank, each of which resembles a real person—but would've each felt more real had I learned more about their lives prior to their soldier-hood.

The war serves as the antagonist. Our hero says he would “rather die than kill someone.” He wishes to retain his innocence, but the war plans to frustrate his efforts.

I suppose I might walk a step further and say that humanity serves as the antagonist, as it is human nature to wage war against itself. I can’t decide if such an observation goes too deep or shallow.

Animal nature dictates violence, yet I could argue that war arrives less as a product of animals or even humans, but of men. Women do not hold the frequent habit of warfare (until we invent a passive-aggressive bullet).

The tank in Fury serves as an armor-plated, mobile womb, from which our protagonist will eventually suffer a symbolic death and rebirth.

Fury’s a great movie. It’s well worth your time and ought to move even the coldest of audiences. I would not recommend it for the younger kids.

The 5 Worst Superhero Movies

I published, last post, a list of what I considered the top five superhero movies based on a DC or Marvel comic. Today, I present a list of the five worst movies in that same category.

You may wonder why I would publish that, rather than my usual movie review. You may even wonder why I decided to only consider DC and Marvel movies. If so, you didn’t read my last post. It explains everything.

I decided to add one more circumstance to this list. Some movies prove too ridiculous for honest consideration. It would feel unfair to list Nick Fury with David Hasselhoff, for example.

Countless terrible and forgotten movies from decades ago exist of The Hulk, Captain America, and Spiderman. Stuff that requires you to look very hard to discover it.

5) Man of Steel

Disclaimer: I never liked Superman. A perfect, flawless, indestructible character bores me to tears. So, yeah, I hold a bit of a bias on this one.

The action entertained me. The fight scenes felt fun. I liked that bit of business with the “Days without an accident” sign. However, too much worked against this overly formulaic movie.

What drove me craziest: how close and how often this movie nearly touched on a real issue or conflict of interest.

The movie almost had something to say about closed-borders policies.

The movie almost followed a man-versus-self fight to decide to protect rather than dominate.

Throughout this story, great ideas peeked at us from just below the surface before they vanished back into the deep.

. . . I must admit, Hulk (2003) nearly defeated Man of Steel for this slot.

4) Ghost Rider

Dear God, what happened to you, Nicholas Cage?

Satan offers a man a deal, and the deal turns sour for one of them. Guess which.

Oh, and the deal gives Nicholas Cage superpowers, because you want to screw someone over with a bad deal and afterwards arm them against you.

This movie goes nowhere. It marks time from start to finish. The characters feel two-dimensional. Their dialogue hurts to hear. The entire disaster drips laziness.

3) Fantastic Four (either one)

Five scientists go into outer space and get turned into superheroes or super villains (for some reason). They dance around, do nothing of consequence, eventually fight, credits roll, I try to choke myself with a folded Frisbee.

Not a single scene makes sense.

In one such scene, the character who turns invisible does so for the purpose of pushing her way through a crowd, something she could’ve accomplished without turning invisible.

In the second movie, a giant space fart (seriously) goes around eating planets. So he devours this one planet and everyone on it, except one guy. Then, the giant space fart grants this one guy (the Silver Surfer) enough power to destroy the giant space fart.

Why would he do that? Of course the Silver Surfer will turn his powers against the fart who ate his house and kids (look what happened to Datan when he gave Nicholas Cage powers).

Instead, the Silver Surfer does the giant space fart’s bidding. He helps the fart eat other planets by . . . um . . . flying around them on a magic surfboard (for some reason).

Why. Won’t. This. Frisbee. Fit. Down. My. Throat?

2) Green Lantern

The words “bat shit” get thrown around a lot, but . . .

Our protagonist discovers a crashed alien, who says, “Here. Have a magic ring. You’re a superhero, now. Good luck with that.” Truly.

The transitions, or lack thereof, prove the worst feature of this movie.

In one scene, a flock of superheroes attack a (I swear to God, I do not fabricate these next three words) giant space fart. Three seconds later, one of the aliens tells his superiors, “Yeah. Everyone died but me. Can I have Monday off? I have a thing.”

Because who goes to a movie to see action. We want an actor who regrets his involvement to tell us it happened. Much better.

1)   The Amazing Spiderman 2

I want so badly to cool down and try to act a bit more constructive here . . . but I just can’t.

This movie insulted everyone who went to see it. This movie screamed, “We paid for the word ‘Spiderman,’ and that means you fork over your money. We don’t have to try.”

The movie juggles a bunch of half-ideas. I suspect that a boardroom full of writers argued over whose idea ought to make in onto the script, and someone finally said, “Screw it. We’ll do all of them whether they cohabitate organically or not.”

In one storyline, Peter Parker’s blood might save his friend, Harry’s life (for some reason). Peter doesn’t want to give Harry the life-saving blood, because he’s afraid Harry might have a “bad reaction.” Again, Harry dies of he doesn’t get the blood.

In another storyline, Peter breaks up and gets back together again with his girlfriend in a ceaseless loop.

The producers should've titled this movie, “Peter Parker Wastes Everyone’s Time.”

In only gets worse. In another storyline, Peter searches to discover what really happened to his father, but he doesn’t do anything productive about it until a “clue” almost literally falls into his lap. He follows the clue to discover . . . nothing he didn’t already know.

In yet another storyline, Peter’s aunt becomes a nurse, but she doesn’t want Peter to find out (for some reason). Ha-ha. Both Peter and his aunt keep a secret identity from each other. Isn’t this movie fun? Please buy an action figure.

In another storyline, Jamie Foxx gets electrocuted by eels and gains the ability to shoot lightning from his hands (for some reason). He then decides he wants to destroy Spiderman (who doesn’t even know the guy) because he forgot Foxx's birthday (I swear I didn’t invent a word of this).

But Spiderman defeats Foxx, and the police arrest Foxx—who ends up in Harry’s basement (for some reason).

I don’t even think the writers compared notes. There’s a scene where Peter’s (ex?)girlfriend finds out that Harry (her boss—small world) has Foxx imprisoned in his basement. Harry sends his security guards after her . . . and it never comes up again. Everyone just forgets about it.

There you have it. The five worst superhero movies from Marvel or DC.

Oh? Did you expect another movie to make this list?

Yes, Batman and Robin provided its audience with an unwanted, confused, and overly colorful kaleidoscope of ass-hattery. However, I’ll defend it.

I loved the old 70’s Batman TV show—because it provided its audience with total nonsense. I choose to view it as a throwback to Adam West’s Batman (and only Schwarzenegger seemed aware of the joke).